Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Adventures of Veganman

Nick “Slow Burn” Blackburn performed nicely in his second start last night. It wasn't as pretty as his first start, but it was good enough to earn him a third this Saturday. The Twins were ahead 3-2 when he left the game, and it looked like he might just get himself a win, until Pat Neshek suddenly developed a hitch in his hip thrust, managing to smash Joe Crede's bat and give up a grand slam home run with the same pitch.

One wonders if an ill-intentioned bat boy secretly tucked a Chicago dog into our vegan reliever’s locker before the game, knowing that close proximity to animal by-products would sap his mojo, just like kryptonite to Superman.

Fortunately, a Chicago dog's potency is much shorter lived than that of kryptonite. Within a few hours, the smell of funky relish will announce to everyone in the locker room that something is rotten in U.S. Cellular Field. And today's off day will provide Mr. Neshek with the recovery time he needs to return on Wednesday and show the White Sox why it's never a good idea to piss off Veganman.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

He's Baaaaaaack...

We hadn't planned on attending yesterday's game until I realized on Friday night that it wasn't going to be televised, and was lamenting that fact to My Ho. He said, "Why don't we go?" I said, "Why don't we?" So we did.

And when 1 for 17 Justin Morneau came to the plate for his second at bat of the game, with the Royals ahead 2-0 and two men on base, I turned to My Ho and said, "He is SO due. This would be a really, really good time...." And My Ho agreed.

And then Mr. Morneau shelled one right out of the park, and everybody jumped up and down and screamed, and as he rounded the bases, I though I could hear our curly-haired Canuck say, "HA HA you fools! I was only PRETENDING to be in a hitting slump to see if you were paying a-tten-tioooooonnnnnn!"

Saturday, April 05, 2008

A Note to Messrs. Everett and Lamb

Hi guys--

I know I've talked some smack about your ears and unibrow, respectively. And I made that joke about watching games on the radio at your expense. But, I feel I must clarify something.

Because while a more traditionally good-looking guy who plays bad baseball will never, ever, be hot, at the same time a less, erm, aesthetically pleasing player (or two) who pulls off a perfect suicide squeeze is totally in the running for boyfriend status.

Nicely done, fellas.


Friday, April 04, 2008

It's a World Gone Mad

Clearly, that series against the Angels was only a warmup for the arse-whuppin' we're in for at the hands the FIRST PLACE KANSAS CITY ROYALS.

I think I need to go lie down now.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Is It Warm In Here, Or Is It Just Me?

Apparently Nick Blackburn pitched a few innings last season, but I guess I was too consumed by another well-documented obsession to notice. Clearly, I was suffering from a nasty, nasty case of Venezuelan myopia.

Because early in tonight's game, I was astonished to find myself feeling strange stirrings in places I thought would never feel strange stirrings ever again.

So tall! So pretty! So deliciously side-burn-y! So completely free of unfortunate facial hair!

Did I mention the pretty?

Never mind that the Twins couldn't manage to win it.


Oh, dear.